Stand as a compassionate witness...
I am very fortunate to have a largeish family containing cousins and aunts and uncles who are willing to engage and help each other out. I am also one of the cousins who helps out. We all have our strengths.
Today, my cousin C came over to clear my roof and clean out my gutters. He also repaired a step on the deck. While he was doing that, I went down the street to my cousin R's place and helped him with the leaves in his yard. My mother is dying and as I care for her in the death process, I invited her sister, my father's brother, and a few cousins to say farewell to her while she was still somewhat responsive. One of those cousins helps us with our taxes each year.
I'm also very fortunate to be a member of an international affinity group centered on historical study and experimental archaeology. Since I've been in the group for 29 years, I have connections with a lot of people and with many more people through the people with whom I'm connected. When I meet someone new I automatically assume that we're already “related” somehow in the group. It might be that this new person's teacher's teacher once lived with my teacher's wife so it behooves me not to be disrespectful off the bat as I'll end up getting an earful about it from six other people over the next week.
I think my youngest blood cousin is around 35 and the oldest is 76. In the affinity group, my youngest “cousin” is 15 and the eldest living is in her 90s. Seems to me that it's important to have friends in all of the possible age groups as everyone has something to teach us. Hearing a first person account of Woodstock, the JFK assassination, the fall of the Berlin wall, the great depression, is very different than learning about it from a book or a documentary.
Having a wide range of ages in one's affinity group or family is great, but it does mean that the stages of life are always happening all around. Someone is just learning to drive, someone is entering tech school, someone is getting hitched or having a baby, someone is retiring, someone is dealing with a life altering disease, someone has had an accident, someone has died suddenly, someone is failing slowly with age. My world is not defined by my experience as I live through the stages of life, but by the experience of those around me and my perspective on it; by the experiences that I have and the perspective of others around me.
My uncle C is super uncomfortable around hospitals and doctors. That's okay because his forte is bossing cops around and bullying red tape away. I speak doctor and have the knowledge to care for someone who is drastically limited in capacity, low communication, or dying.
We don't have to be good at everything. We don't have to be a formally trained expert at anything. What we need to do is find ways to connect with the people around us and be mindful of the strategic strengths and weaknesses that we share as a community.
There are a couple of skills that I think are really required for everyone. One of these is asking for help. This is a really hard skill to learn and practice and I think I'll probably essay more about it later. I don't want to get bogged down on that right now because I think that the skill that is most basic is to learn to function as a compassionate witness.
To me, this means observing the people and situations around me without letting my own opinions or fears get in the way. If I see someone who is injured and my mind is fixated on how much it must hurt them and how awful it would be if it happened to me, I'm not going to be paying very much attention to that person. I'm going to be focused on my own fear and that is going to color my choices when I act. If I see someone I don't like get sick, my mind is going to be replaying all of the reasons I think that they deserve to be sick and that is going to color my choices for speech and thought and action.
If I can dispassionately observe the world around me, I have the chance to realize that bad things happen to all of us and it sucks for everyone. I can see the things that happen without getting sucked into any kind of just world fallacy. when I'm not judging myself and others all the time I have the space and the energy to care about things in a way that is not performative or defensive. I'm free from acting out sympathy or empathy because I know that bad things happening is bad and it hurts and we can focus on acting in ways that help things suck less.
At the very least, when something bad is happening, we can think about what we could do to make it worse and then refrain from doing that thing.
Doing this doesn't make us Good People. What it does is free up our brains to observe situations clearly and make more skillful choices.
Even when we see drama online or some troll going off about something, we can notice our own emotional reaction to that thing and greet it with acceptance. I feel frustrated by this person. It must be awfully unpleasant to be in a situation where acting like this person is acting feels like the right or only thing to do. I could engage them and make it worse and upset myself and other people. I could go complain to someone else and get a bunch of people to punish this person with me. I could block this person so I don't see the things they say anymore and focus my energy on people who don't spark this kind of rage in me. I have a choice to see this person as a one dimensional evil entity or as someone who lives a complicated life which is fucking with them until acting like a fool in public seems to be the only way they can survive.
Practicing this with annoying people is great because when it comes to the time when one of your group is dying and you feel complicated emotions about the times when they hurt you or times when you hurt them, you'll be able to set aside those confusions and be present with that person as they have a completely unique and life changing experience. In that moment you'll be able to be with them without all of those thoughts and feelings getting in the way of your perceptions. Your thoughts and feelings will still be there, but they won't interfere with your ability to be there with them and for them and for yourself in that moment.
Every human has inherent dignity. When we can offer our own dignity without condition or fear, then we can honor the dignity of others in a way that makes the whole experience better.
The lion, when not ruled by his hunger, can set the mouse free. The mouse, when unafraid of the lion, can see the thorn in the lion's paw and can pull the thorn out.
If we can remember the simple pure nature of our own inherent dignity, then we don't have to fall into the trap of instantaneous reactivity based on emotion, mood, or prejudice. If we can remember our own dignity, we have a chance to pause and consider the dignity of the others around us. We have a chance to see how we are all the same and we are all hurting and we all have something to offer and something we need.
The compassionate witness can hold space for choices.
The emotionally reactive person doesn't get to make choices.
The compassionate witness can observe those who react to events based on their programming in stead of choices without being drawn into that narrative and playing out the expected role.
None of this is easy. Things suck for everyone. Everyone is hurting and frightened and doing their best. We've all learned programs to run that have helped us survive in the past, but compassion for ourselves and for others can help us unlock that programming and find new ways of dealing with old fears. We don't have to do what we have always done.
We don't have to be who we have always be. We can work to stand as compassionate witnesses and choose to be open to the potential of something different.