SNAFU
I love the Internal Family System as a foundation for doing personal growth in my life. It's really worth looking into (go with books as scholarly as you can follow) because even if the goal is not to follow every step of the method exactly, the framework is really valuable for implementing skills from CBT, DBT, ACT or any other skill based mode of therapeutic education.
The very basic idea behind Internal Family Systems (IFS) is that people are not monolithic. The human brain is very complex and might just craft Parts of a single mind to function in certain ways to increase chances of survival and success. Dr Richard Schwartz talked with a lot of people about this sort of mental paradigm and found that a lot of people show similar patterns in what kinds of Parts they feel that they have and how those Parts function within them and guide or provoke them to function with others in the world.
It may be that Dr Schwartz's questions were presented in such a way that he guided people to conform to his theory, but even if he did, the concepts that he presented and that other people have expanded on is super useful to me in implementing my other mental health skills in real time and crafting opportunities for me to choose different behavior than I might want to habitually perform.
Today I realized that my usual body pain and headache were increased slightly and I felt a slight tightness in my chest. I mentioned it to Spouse and said, “I think I'm getting a cold.” she said, “Take a Test.” I whined. I took the test. It showed me positive for Covid. I told her to take a test and she came up negative. I am isolating and masking whenever she is in the house. She said, “I'm worried.” I asked, “What are you worried about?” she said, “You're sick.” I said, “Oh, yeah, well... that happens. That's normal.”
Later I was thinking about it and Part of me piped up and thought, “I think that this is the point when normal people would say Fuck My Life.” another Part thought, “I don't care for that phrase. It always sounds like a cross between surrender and self-abandonment.” A third Part said, “I don't know if it's the Adverse Childhood Events, the C-PTSD, the PTSD, the Bi-Polar, the BPD, the random psychosis, or what, but at some point SNAFU really begins to mean something deep and true.” A fourth Part said, “Or, it could be the work that we've done in the last decade to find and care for the bits that are hurt or dysfunctional inside and find better ways.” A fifth Part said, “Let's consider this with challenging questions.”
I like to imagine that the fifth Part pulled out a white board and put on their glasses at that point. The other Parts might have pulled up those uncomfortable institution chairs and sat down with long-suffering sighs and soft grumbles.
“The Challenge: Describe the major events that have happened in my life this year.
-Dad finally got a treatment plan for his lung cancer. – Mom's Alzheimer's got much worse and she got violent, belligerent, abusive, and escapist almost every day. – Dad did not react well to this and struggled emotionally because he was unwilling to step away from the situation and unable to adjust to such a sharply contrasting reality tunnel happening in her mind. – Dad had surgery, started to recover, then died. + Lots of people did amazing work at their own jobs helping me deal with the legal and financial aspects of the death. + Our Funeral Director stepped in and made everything about the funeral and burial stuff simple and painless. + We were able to isolate Mom from the whole experience, removing obvious traces of Dad from the house because she didn't remember him and we didn't want to make things worse for her. + We were able to set up our home as Mom's world. Whatever she wanted to eat or watch or do, we did it. – The violence continued and my temper was pushed to the limit multiple times every week. + I learned defensive and restraint skills that kept her from harming herself or me and was able to employ them while making the effort to acknowledge, accept, and support my frustrated and angry sides. + When I did lose my temper, I took the opportunity to say exactly what I was thinking and feeling. Serious cocksucking closure on my end on several topics. – My beloved dog got sick and was suffering terribly so we put him down. This meant losing my greatest support of daily encouragement to do the things I need to do to care for myself. + We traded in our old truck and got a new truck and Spouse picked out the exact vehicle I wanted most instead of the vehicle she wanted most and surprised me with it. – I had to start sleeping in the living room to keep Mom from escaping or getting hurt trying to wander around the house at night. + Switching to sleeping in the recliner has proven to be an excellent change for my back and legs. When dealing with a bad flare I now know that I can sleep in a different shape for a few nights to shake things out. + We got an amazing new puppy who is the light of my life. – Mom became more fragile and started to get sick when standing up. – Cleaning up so much poo and vomit. –/+ Deciding to keep Mom in bed full time and engaging skills gained in childhood for caring for a bed staying person. – The Smell. + Being brave enough to reach out to family to invite them in to say goodbye while she still had enough mirror neurons functioning to seem like she registered communication in a positive way. + Family all commenting on how good she looks and pointing out the care things I was doing well. –/+ Mom died. – More The Smell. + Most supportive Spouse in the world telling me, “Go to Panera, buy everything on the right hand side of the baked goods display.” + Getting sleep. + Amazing Funeral Director and team making the funeral simple, painless, and awesome. – Creepy-ass priest who did the same homily as in February and simply read aloud his whole three pages of notes from the conversation he had with Spouse and me to prepare for the funeral. + Amazing baritone cantor who made very beautiful music for the funeral. – Test positive for Covid 19.
I could go through and count up all the – and +, but at a glance they look pretty even to me. Right now I feel like this virus is some bullshit and I never want anybody else to have to feel like this ever, but my main symptoms of body pain, headache, and fatigue are only about double of my usual ambient level of pain. If I didn't have the test and didn't know the dangers of not resting and caring for myself right now, I'd be pushing through this and getting very nearly my usual amount of stuff done. I'm very lucky that I don't have to push through this to care for others, and that my Spouse is here and is competent to care for me without driving me into resistance and rage.”
And at this point, all of my Parts are fully engaged and are deeply considering this massive wall of text. Like, yeah, some shit sucks all the time, and some shit is cool all the time. My childhood experience led me to expect medical emergencies and crises on a regular basis. As my circle of friends and acquaintances grew I could see it clearly: there is always someone who is in crisis, there is always a medical emergency, a financial emergency, assault, hate crime, mental health, capitalism... Situation Normal really is All Fucked Up.
AND
There is always something beautiful happening. There's always someone listening, reaching out to help, staying present even when they can't help, stepping back when they don't have the resources to behave as they prefer to behave.
Being able to use the Parts paradigm to speak each of my perspectives, thoughts, feelings, and fears about a situation lets me express every one of those things with my full front. I don't have to edit out the wording or the concepts to seem polite or smart. I don't have to pretend things are fine to get along or to earn support. At the same time, I can challenge those experiences in a non-threatening way. Once someone feels fully heard, it can be much easier for them to listen in turn.
Most of the time I find that making space for my angry or frustrated Parts to fully speak their minds about things and acknowledging their experience and their feelings resolves things immediately. “I'm angry and I'm hurt because This Situation.” “It is good to feel angry when someone hurts your feelings because that is a way to empower yourself to stand up and defend yourself. What happened to you is a very good reason to feel angry. It's very cool that you can feel that anger and describe why you feel that way.” And the first part is usually like, “Yeah? It's okay to feel hurt and angry about This Situation?” Like, Yeah, babydoll. Would you like a hug and a glass of water? You're okay, even if you're feeling angry.
It's like the first time a therapist said to me, “That should not have happened to you. You did not deserve that.” when I described one of my assaults. I did full confused mammal, tilted my head to the side, and actually said, “Baroo?” because it had never occurred to me that I did not deserve to be assaulted. I had never considered that I had any right to be angry or sad or upset about that. It sounds so ridiculous until it happens to you, it really does because you can know at the top of your mind that you don't deserve to be harmed and still end up convincing yourself inside, “I should have... instead.” “It wouldn't have happened if I...” because that's how people cope sometimes. Parts of us hold up narratives and maintain operations that keep us surviving even when things are confusing or difficult.
Parts working together can do so much more than Parts working at cross purposes. Using a framework like IFS to establish a system of internal dialogue and discussion has helped me so much.
Right now Parts of me are convinced that “I'm Fine” because I come from a long line of Suck It Up And Drive On folk. Fortunately, other Parts are keeping an eye out and minimizing my activity while maximizing my self care. It's not easy, but the willingness to cooperate and engage compassion within myself has had benefits way beyond any other skill, medication, or mode of therapy that I've tried.