Quiet times...
I haven't been essaying lately, but it's not because I have nothing to say... it's because we have a Houseguest.
She is a really awesome Houseguest and we've put her up in the rooms that were built for caring for my brother and which we used for caring for my mother so she has her own space and she uses it and she's super accommodating and does dishes and cleans up and is fun to be with.
But, like...
UGH.
Like, I've got a personality disorder and on top of that I'm an asshole and I don't ENJOY being around people all the time.
Much of the time.
Well, on my terms or never.
I need my quiet times. I used to get quiet time or buffer space by self-medicating with alcohol. When I drank, all y'all became way more tolerable and interesting. Sober, it's a real effort to be enthusiastic.
I have very well practiced FOAD body language that I use when I'm feeling rough and people who are comfortable letting me be uncomfortable in my own space do fine with that. Houseguest is brilliant and she groks the body language and she gives me space to be grumpy when I'm emanating grump vibes.
Still...
I was happiest when I was driving for much of the day. Doing something that kept 85% of my senses and brain entertained and let the remaining 25% free to THINK big THINKY THINKS. When I've got to encounter other humans I have to reframe all of my cognitive functions and it feels like coitus interuptus.
Fortunately we're having a warm spell and I have a dog to walk. Unfortunately my body is really into pain and not into moving well. Fortunately there is a bench on the far side of the yard where I can sit and let the dog play on his long lead and gaze into the sky and the trees and the darkness.
Eventually the dog comes and sits on the bench next to me and we sit alone together, each thinking our big thinks (his are mostly about finding things to chew on, he's a puppy).
Spouse is a big early adopter with technology. She loves to check out the latest tools and things that help her do her work and play best. She decided that she would benefit from a new tool and I agreed so we got it for her. She suggested that I get one similar that would let me do many of the things that I do now with paper and pen. I debated it. I found the one that would serve me best. I thought I might really enjoy using a tool that would let me take notes in one place and keep everything together.
Tonight as I was out on the bench with the dog looking at the sky and the trees and smelling the queer cool air of a December thaw, I remembered how much I truly love the primitive arts. I decided not to get myself that electronic tool and instead get myself a couple more of the weird primitive materials and tools that I enjoy working with so much.
I came inside and contacted a friend who makes those Roman style wax tablet books. It's two thin pieces of wood hinged together with some leather thong. The inside faces of the wood is carved out like a very shallow dish and then filled with wax. One can use a simple wooden stylus to inscribe things in the wax and use a flattened wedge to smooth the wax out again.
I've been trying to get my quiet time by listening to books, reading, or running errands, but these all take a lot of cognitive energy. I think that what I learned tonight is that I may be able to create my quiet time by pulling out my hand crafts and working. Spouse and Houseguest listen to the tv louder than I like, but that means that my sawing or grinding shouldn't be too annoying to them.
Maybe I can find a way to create my own quiet space without using a FOAD shield or sitting in the yard in the middle of winter. Maybe I can do something that I really love and enjoy myself. That sounds like a real possibility.