Meditation and Movement...

The Sangha I'm sitting with now sometimes does Walking Meditation as part of our zoom sits. Sometimes I walk a little. Sometimes I sit in my chair and let my fingers walk slowly across a table. It's not the same, but it is a mindful physical exercise that I can do reasonably comfortably.

I remember doing a three day retreat with an organization in Buffalo where we did sitting meditation for 40 minutes, then walking meditation for 15. We repeated that four or five times and it was an amazing combination of movement and stillness that left my mind feeling very flexible and supple. I don't hang out with that organization anymore because, while they have some excellent teachers their organization system is very rigid and hierarchical and their leaders have proven to be horrible sex crimey abusive types.

The organization that I'm studying with now is far less hierarchical with much greater acceptance for householders who don't want to collect achievement badges or gain status and rank.

The walking hurt me back then, too. There have been changes in my life. For many many years I had my back against a wall and I needed to work through the pain and the stress to survive. I would use the pain to keep myself angry and fighting the world. There were things I Needed to get done. Sometimes for survival, sometimes to maintain my own dignity, sometimes to live by my values.

Recently I realized that pretty much everything that I Needed to get done was done and I could absolutely take the time to take care of myself.

For some reason I expected that this would be LESS work than flogging myself to death for other causes.

Wednesday last I went to see a Physical Therapist. He was amazing. He followed my lead into talking about my issues holistically. Like, yes, bro, I got sent here for knee pain but that was the pain that drove me to go to the E R, it's just part of the series that cycles through. We covered stretching and exercises and what things I should bring up specifically with other specific medical professionals and then we talked about mobility aids.

He grabbed me a pair of forearm crutches and we sized them and he showed me how to use them and I was like, “Dude..... dude. Dude! duuuuuuude.” Having something to give me super firm support on both sides radically changed my experience of straining all of my little muscle groups to hold everything steady around the joints and between the numb bits. Without the crutches I have a very distinctive swagger that is mostly me trying to keep everything balanced by falling in consecutive directions in a controlled way. It keeps me moving, but it's hell on all of the muscles, joints, ligaments, and whatever else kinda parts I have in there.

On Friday I got up and went shopping. I had three stores to go to. The last time I needed things from three stores, I brought Spouse and sent her in to each store with a list. This time I figured I'd do what I could and then if I needed to stop I could come home and drag her out to finish up. Well, I just zoomed right through all three of those stores and when I got home I started making ghee because butter is on sale at Aldi. While the ghee was rendering I picked up the kitchen, consolidated the recycling, and organized a spice cabinet. I stopped myself because I was humming a happy little song.

A happy little song?

Recently, even going to one store has left me resting in the chair or going to bed to stretch out for a while. This is an amazing development.

This weekend I had company. My girlfriend came over for a two day intensive education in opera. We watched Lucia, Ahknaten, Rosenkaviler, and bits of Hoffman, Rhinegold, and Rusalka. Girlfriend has no musical education beyond US public school, but has a MFA in cinematography and a BA in arts education. We had a great time learning from each other and gently teasing one another's tastes.

At one point I got up to take the dog for a walk. I put on my shoes and leashed the pup and then grabbed my forearm crutches and slipped into them. Her face was incredible. She has CP and used forearm crutches when she was little and had both legs in those horrible late 70s leg braces while she was developing the strength and control to walk without assistance.

Her response to seeing me using things that she remembers as horrible things that set her apart from the other kids and marked her weakness and disability was strong and when I saw it on her face I said, “I know. But these reduce my pain by more than 60% and allow me to get shit done without turning into queen bitch destroyer of worlds.”

Then we went out and walked the dog together all around the muddy/snowy/uneven yard in the dark. I zootled along and kept up with the puppy. We bombed back and forth and around the trees and the dog has learned how not to terminally tangle us both up with his lead so it was actually kind of graceful. In the end she said, “Yeah, those were upsetting things in my past, but it makes me happy to see that you're brave enough to use them and that you live better because of them.”

Right now I'm trying to figure out how to modify them so that I'll be able to use them while working in the yard this year. I really want some kind of harness so that I can sling them behind me when I want to use both hands for something or when I need to lift something from the ground to put it on my wheely cart. I think I'll be able to make a slip on handle for my rakes and shovels and use an elbow pad so that I can use those tools one handed. Or maybe I can make rake and shovel attachments for my crutches and just pop them on and off like Hawkeye and his arrows.

I'm feeling like I might be able to get some of the things done in the yard and the gardens that I wanted to do this year. Not, like, hope. More like the potential. Work may be possible and I may not have to resign myself to turning angry and mean to work through the pain. That's pretty awesome.